Marriage Enrichment Instrument
Vickie and I have put together an instrument based on Willard Harley’s books (His Needs, Her Needs, and Love Busters) and web pages (marriagebuilders.com) for marriage enrichment. We offer it to you here for use in your own marriage. You might also find it helpful as a way to encourage others to strengthen their marriages. All it takes is a willingness to spend a bit of time working through these issues together. Unfortunately, if either spouse is unwilling to devote some serious time to working through exercises like these, it throws great doubt over the seriousness of their commitment to saving their marriage or to making their marriage strong.
Stay in the Battle!
Steve Hall
Marriage Mentoring Outline
(Developing a Plan of Action)
(Based on Concepts in His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters and at www.marriagebuilders.com by Willard Harley)
Introduction
Willard Harley has developed a marriage-building concept based on the insight that while men and women often have the same basic emotional needs, they tend to rank them very differently. What may make a wife feel loved does not necessarily make her husband feel loved, and vice versa. Using Harley’s materials as a starting point, we have constructed this guideline for helping husbands and wives compose a list of behavior changes that would make each spouse feel more loved by the other.
Often marriages get into trouble because a husband is doing things that he believes should communicate love to his wife. And she is doing things that she believes should communicate love for him. But neither may be doing the things that truly make the other feel loved. Each spouse must communicate to the other, very honestly but graciously, exactly what makes him/her feel loved and how well he/she feels his/her spouse is doing at meeting those needs. And it is critically important that each spouse take the other very seriously when they communicate what does, and does not, make him/her feel loved. We do not get to judge our spouse’s feelings!
Process
Set up times to work on this project. It’s probably a good idea to set aside at least an hour a week for several weeks to work on these things and discuss them at length. We recommend that you print out a couple of copies of this page in order to make notes as you go.
Either spouse may go first. I recommend that the husband, as a Christian example, give his wife the opportunity to express herself first. Just remember, both spouses must have a full opportunity to communicate their feelings. Whoever goes first, it must be understood that this is not a one-way communication in any way.
One spouse must ask the other each of the following questions, and listen very carefully to the other’s responses. Making notes is a good idea. Asking clarifying questions is a good idea. Then, reverse the roles.
Honesty is critical. Resist the temptation to say what you think you should say, or to respond in such a way as to try to manipulate the process. Commit to saying what you honestly think and feel. Also, commit to saying what you say with grace and kindness.
For each emotional need ask two questions:
(1) How well does my spouse meet this need for me? (a) No problem here; (b) There could be some improvement here; (c) Big problems here;
(2) How important is this need to you personally? (a) Not important; (b) Slightly important; (c) Very important
If the answer to the 1st question is either b or c, ask: “Would you give some specific reasons why you chose b or c?” When reasons are given, repeat them back to make sure you really get what your spouse is saying.
Finally, after completing this page, pick one or two of the most important needs to you for your spouse to zero in on. Each spouse must come up with a plan to make improvements in these areas before next meeting in one week. Make notes of plans of action that both spouses agree are accurate and reasonable.
Repeat the entire process with the other spouse.
Both spouses must acknowledge the difficulty of changing ingrained bad habits. Pray for grace and strength for both to make genuine progress in communicating love in a way that blesses the other. Evaluate progress at the next appointment/date.
Emotional Needs
Affection (communicating love by hugs, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, being courteous, notes, calls, etc.)
How well does he/she meet this need? (1) No problem here; (2) There could be some improvement here; (3) Big problems here;
How important is this to you? (1) Not important; (2) Slightly important; (3) Very important
Sexual fulfillment (includes satisfaction with the frequency of intercourse as well as the quality of sexual intimacy)
How well does he/she meet this need? (1) No problem here; (2) There could be some improvement here; (3) Big problems here;
How important is this to you? (1) Not important; (2) Slightly important; (3) Very important
Conversation (includes the amount of conversation as well as the quality of conversation; talking about the events of the day, feelings, and plans, making you feel comfortable and not under attack, showing interest in what you want to talk about, listening and asking appropriate questions, undivided attention, avoiding ridicule and sarcasm, not feeling pressured to agree with your spouse, communication of forgiveness for past sins as opposed to “guilt trip” attempts)
How well does he/she meet this need? (1) No problem here; (2) There could be some improvement here; (3) Big problems here;
How important is this to you? (1) Not important; (2) Slightly important; (3) Very important
Recreational Companionship (Doing “fun” things together; going places and doing things together instead of separately; Have you identified the types of recreational activity that you both enjoy? Is he/she willing to give up activities you do separately in order to find things you enjoy doing together?)
How well does he/she meet this need? (1) No problem here; (2) There could be some improvement here; (3) Big problems here;
How important is this to you? (1) Not important; (2) Slightly important; (3) Very important
Honesty and Openness (revealing true feelings, events of the past, of the day, schedule, plans, avoiding giving false impressions, avoiding “little white lies,” truthfully answering questions, spouse willing to give up “privacy,” accountable to you at all times to your satisfaction)
How well does he/she meet this need? (1) No problem here; (2) There could be some improvement here; (3) Big problems here;
How important is this to you? (1) Not important; (2) Slightly important; (3) Very important
Physical Attractiveness (keeping physically fit, proper diet and exercise, wearing hair and clothing & makeup (wife only!) that makes you feel attracted, personal hygiene, weight control, are you really happy or are you just saying you are happy because it seems the “right thing to say”?)
How well does he/she meet this need? (1) No problem here; (2) There could be some improvement here; (3) Big problems here;
How important is this to you? (1) Not important; (2) Slightly important; (3) Very important
Financial Support (willing to work, bring in an income, contribute to paying bills and maintaining a standard of living, thrifty, not a spendthrift, tries to stick to a budget, willing to live within income, controls indebtedness)
How well does he/she meet this need? (1) No problem here; (2) There could be some improvement here; (3) Big problems here;
How important is this to you? (1) Not important; (2) Slightly important; (3) Very important
Domestic Support (helps with household chores, tasks shared equitably, makes the home a refuge from stress)
How well does he/she meet this need? (1) No problem here; (2) There could be some improvement here; (3) Big problems here;
How important is this to you? (1) Not important; (2) Slightly important; (3) Very important
Family Commitment (spends enough time with children for Christian growth, education, reading, taking them out, and appropriate discipline)
How well does he/she meet this need? (1) No problem here; (2) There could be some improvement here; (3) Big problems here;
How important is this to you? (1) Not important; (2) Slightly important; (3) Very important
Admiration (frequently acknowledges your strong points, expresses respect and appreciation)
How well does he/she meet this need? (1) No problem here; (2) There could be some improvement here; (3) Big problems here;
How important is this to you? (1) Not important; (2) Slightly important; (3) Very important
Love Busters
Biggest problem: We don’t feel the hurt we cause others, we only feel the hurt they cause us. Therefore we tend to think what we do to hurt them is “no big deal” and that what they do to hurt us is a big deal. We have to take each other at our word.
For each of these items, choose the following answers: Does my spouse need to make changes here? (1) No problem here; (2) sometimes this is a problem; (3) Big-time problem here. If the answer is 2 or 3 try to give specific examples.
Selfish Demands (“I don’t care what you want or how you feel, do it!” controlling; manipulative; the first stage of verbal abuse; –alternative: thoughtful requests and discussion)
(1) No problem here; (2) sometimes this is a problem; (3) Big-time problem here.
Disrespectful Judgments (tries to make you feel stupid, lazy, selfish; tries to straighten you out, lectures instead of discusses, isn’t willing to listen to your point of view, ridicules, therefore is being arrogant, rude,
(1) No problem here; (2) sometimes this is a problem; (3) Big-time problem here.
Angry Outbursts (volume of voice increases, “I’ll make you regret that!”; He/she decides reasoning won’t work with you, so must be “taught a lesson”; makes you feel unsafe and insecure; seems to want to hurt you emotionally if not physically
(1) No problem here; (2) sometimes this is a problem; (3) Big-time problem here.
Annoying Habits (irritating habits; may seem trivial but since they are repeated they make big withdrawals over time; humming, finger drumming, knee bouncing, teeth sucking, the way he/she eats, the way he/she talks)
(1) No problem here; (2) sometimes this is a problem; (3) Big-time problem here.
Independent Behavior (doing what he/she wants to do when he/she wants to do it without consideration of how you feel; making plans that leave you out; plans may be big (e.g. a trip) or small (to watch a tv program) but are done without your enthusiastic agreement; is not willing to negotiate)
(1) No problem here; (2) sometimes this is a problem; (3) Big-time problem here.
Dishonesty (habit of telling little white lies to cover up “problems”; builds walls between the two of you with “secrets”; thinks the immediate pain of telling the truth is worse than the long-range destruction of dishonesty)
(1) No problem here; (2) sometimes this is a problem; (3) Big-time problem here.
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Tagged Marriage, sex, Sexual Revolution, Veritas, Veritas2020