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Perhaps the question should be “Who do people see in you!” In a crowd of people, would people pick you out as likely to be a Christian? I am going to make the assumption that you are a Christian and that the desire of your heart is to be a good representative of our Lord Jesus Christ. Is that true? Is it really your desire that people around you be reminded of Jesus?
(Please take a few seconds to examine your heart and make sure you can say yes to that!)
Now please think seriously about the following questions and answers. (Actually you will have to provide the answers to the first questions by yourself!)
Q. Does the way you dress help people see Jesus in you?
Q. Does the way you talk help people see Jesus in you?
Q. Does the music you listen to help people see Jesus in you?
Q. Do the people you “hang out with” help people see Jesus in you?
Please take a few seconds to do some serious soul-searching as you answer the questions and before you read on.
Now let’s consider these things one-by-one. Please read these words thoughtfully and prayerfully. Just ask the Lord how He might want you to respond to these thoughts.
The issue of how Christians dress touches on the larger issue of sexual temptation and lust. There is a lot of confusion about these things, so let’s tackle it head-on.
Q.
Why is lust so
bad?
A.
God created us to
have a strong desire for Him. To understand that relationship of strong desire
He has for us and wants us to have for Him, He created marriage so that a
husband and wife can express strong desires for each other. These God-given
desires of a husband and wife for each other are meant to portray our desires
for God. That’s why He created marriage and speaks of it in the Bible as an
object lesson picturing our relationship with Him. (Ephesians 5:31-32)
When we transfer those godly desires to things of this world or to people who
are not our spouses, it perverts the purpose for which God made us to have
strong desires. It turns us away from God.
Not only that, but God has created us in such a way that when we begin to lust
after things and people besides Him (and, if we are married, the spouse He gave
us), we cannot function fully as a normal and healthy person. Lust often leads
to things like addiction to pornography, intense dissatisfaction with life,
self-hatred, ugly egotism and egoism, breakups of marriages and homes, etc.
Q.
How do men and
women differ in their lust problems?
A.
Most men are
tempted to lust by what they see. That’s why pornography is a multi-billion
dollar business. That’s also why the advertising industry often uses women who
dress scantily, show their thighs, wear low-cut blouses and dresses, etc. Men
walking down the street who pass a woman wearing a shorter skirt or a low-cut
top will often find it difficult to turn their eyes away. (Some women have been
trained to be flattered by this, even though they are enticing men to sin!)
That’s how men are created. Of course, God intends for that attention to be
directed only to the man’s wife in order to portray the intense attraction He
has for us and wants us to have for Him.
(There are a few exceptions to this fact. A few men, sometimes because of early
childhood experiences, do not seem to be tempted by the way women dress. But
these men are in a very small minority.)
Women seem to be more tempted by what they hear than by what they see.
That’s why the guys who are the “Don Juan types” learn quickly how to say
words that will entice girls to do what they want. Many girls do not have a good
sense of the degree of deception some guys use. The girl badly wants to believe
what she hears, even though the guy is being very selfish and very dishonest.
Her judgment is impaired and she pays a high and painful price.
Q.
Since men are
tempted to lust by what they see, does this mean that women who dress to be sexy
are to blame when men lust after them?
A.
Men cannot blame
women for the sin of lust, no matter how the woman is dressed. We read in the
Bible how Job made a covenant with his eyes to avoid the sin of lust (Job 31:1).
We read how Joseph ran from the presence of Potiphar’s wife (Genesis 39:12).
Jesus placed the responsibility for controlling lust squarely on the man
(Matthew 5:28).
Q.
So if women “feel
ok about it,” may they dress as they please, let the chips fall where they may,
and decide it’s a “man problem?”
A.
Even though Jesus
requires a man be totally responsible for controlling his tendency to lust after
what he sees, at the same time, Jesus severely warned us about not becoming
“stumbling blocks” (occasions for others to be tempted to sin). There is a
Greek word used in the Bible (skandalon) that is usually translated by
the word “offence” in the KJV. But it literally means “an occasion to be tempted
to sin.” It’s the word Jesus used in Matthew 18:7. It’s also used in Romans
14:13, 1 John 2:10, and Revelation 2:14. For example, most Christians would
agree that not only is it wrong to use drugs, it is also wrong to tempt someone
else to use them.
Most women find it impossible to identify in any real way with the degree to
which most men are enticed to the sin of lust by the way women dress. On this
topic, they must rely on the counsel of older godly women or of godly men whom
they trust—perhaps a godly dad.
An illustration might help. Suppose the doctor has put you on a very strict
diet. He has said, “You have some serious health problems. For the next year,
you MUST cut out all sugar and sweets from your diet.” You find yourself craving
something sweet. About that time, someone comes into the room with a huge,
delicious-looking chocolate nut brownie sundae. It looks great. It smells great.
You want it so badly! And they say, “Look at this! Doesn’t this look good?
Wouldn’t you like to have it? But you know you can’t have it! I just thought I
would enjoy tempting you!”
Some women dress immodestly out of pressure from the world. They want to dress
like the stars in the movie and music industries. Many of these stars are very
ungodly people. But there is great pressure to want to be like them. Others just
want to “be like the other girls.” Some are probably genuinely naïve about how
their revealing clothing might be affecting men (although brief consideration of
the mammoth pornography and advertising industries should lead to one of those
“duh” moments!). Still others have been pleased with the way boys or men seemed
to be attracted to them when they dress less modestly, and they continue to
dress immodestly to attract a boyfriend or husband. (Many women have been
bitterly disappointed in marriages to men they attracted by dressing
immodestly!)
Most men find it very difficult to believe that women who wear short skirts,
low-cut blouses, very tight clothing, etc. are innocent and are not trying to
seduce men to lust after them. That’s because men know how men think and find it
very difficult to believe that women really might not realize how men think!
Sometimes moms of young girls have never come to grips with this subject
themselves (or have lived in denial in order to dress “the way they want to
dress”). Sometimes they just don’t think it’s “worth the fight” to insist that
their daughters dress more modestly. They may even encourage their young
daughters to dress inappropriately. It is even more difficult for these girls to
realize how strongly they may be used by Satan as a source of temptation for
boys and men.
Women must learn to ask, “Does the way I dress draw attention to my spirit (and
to the Lord Jesus Christ)? Or to my body in such a way as to entice men and boys
to lust?” If in doubt, ask a godly older woman, or perhaps even better, a godly
man—like a dad.
Q.
If I change the
way I dress, won’t people think I’m weird?
A.
Maybe. The Bible
says many times that Christians are to be different from the world. We are a
“peculiar people.” We are to be “holy” (meaning “set apart for God’s purposes”).
But there are many women who have learned to dress in very attractive ways that
do not draw attention to their bodies and they look great! Beauty is so much
more than “looking sexy!”
We must simply decide on who it is we really want to please.
Q. What is the real problem with using a bit of profanity now and then to make a point?
A.
The Bible is very
plain about this subject.
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word
as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it
may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)
”But do not let immorality or
any impurity or greed even be named among you, as is proper among saints;
and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which
are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.” (Ephesians 5:3-4)
”But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy
communication out of your mouth.” (Colossians 3:8)
Q. What’s wrong with just saying some words if I don’t really mean anything by them?
A. Jesus said, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh” (Matthew 12:34). Words do mean things. And words, according to Jesus, communicate the intent of our hearts. Not only that, but the Bible indicates that one of the characteristics of unbelievers is that their mouth is full of cursing. (Romans 3:14) When we speak words that are profane or filthy, we become like them.
Q. Doesn’t using a swear word every now and then make me sound more mature, more determined, and more serious?
A. Actually it’s exactly the opposite. People who can’t seem to think of anything to say but a swear word make themselves look childish (any child can quickly learn to swear) and uncreative. (“I can’t think of anything intelligent to say, so I’ll show my lack of creativity and swear.”) Many people are totally turned off by swearing. To us, it shows a lack of self control, a bad attitude, disrespect, lack of character, hostility, and laziness. (It doesn’t take any mental energy to utter a swear word.)
Q. Won’t I fit into my group better if I show I’m not afraid to use a few swear words?
A. Which group do you want to fit into? The godly Christians you may know will certainly not be the group you fit into! The way we use language is one significant way that people can tell Christians from unbelievers.
Q. Isn’t it possible that by using some swear words I can “become all things to all men” (1 Corinthians 9:22) and maybe bring them to Christ?
A. That’s like saying I need to go rob a bank so I can lead bank robbers to the Lord. Or I need to kill somebody so I can lead murderers to the Lord. Or I need to be a liar so I can lead liars to the Lord. It’s true, we should try to behave in such a way that lost people can identify with us, but not to the point of sin! The lost will never come to the Lord if they think we are no different than they are! The Bible emphases the need for Christians to speak with a consistent mouth. “Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be!” (James 3:10)
Q. What’s wrong with listening to secular music?
A.
Some secular music
is innocent enough. Some secular music even communicates Biblical principles
about love and relationships. But some secular music contains very wicked,
ungodly, and even blasphemous lyrics.
And, if given the choice, why wouldn’t a Christian prefer to listen to music
that has good Biblical, spiritually uplifting, true lyrics?
Q. But isn’t it ok to listen to music if I like the sound and the beat and just don’t pay attention to the words?
A. Again, words do mean things. And our subconscious mind can and does absorb messages that we are not consciously paying attention to.
Q. Is it ok to listen to some songs by a group if some of the songs they sing are ok and some are not ok?
A.
Think about what
the group stands for. If a group takes an anti-Biblical stand and represents
everything opposed to Christianity (e.g., lawlessness, immorality, violence,
profanity, etc.), it makes sense that a person wanting to live a godly life in
Christ Jesus would avoid them, even if they sing some “decent” songs.
What would you think if you saw me carefully going through a bucket of vomit?
You might say, “What on earth are you doing?” And suppose I were to reply,
“Well, I think there may be some valuable chunks of undigested food in here. I’m
just trying to find the good stuff!”
To try to find the “good stuff” put out by some groups you have to first sort
through their bucket of vomit. Pretty disgusting, isn’t it?
Q. But what if I really love and crave the sound this group makes?
A.
First of all, make
sure the music of this group hasn’t become an idol in your life! Any thought
that God might not be pleased with something in my life should quickly lead me
to be willing to sacrifice it for Him!
Not only that, but we are blessed to live in a day that there are many Christian
singers and groups with many different “sounds” that appeal to a large variety
of people. If you are willing to look around a bit, you can almost certainly
find a group that sounds good to you!
Q. But won’t people think I’m weird if I quit listening to a group that they think is cool and I always listened to before?
A.
Maybe. The Bible
says many times that Christians are to be different from the world. We are a
“peculiar people.” We are to be “holy” (meaning “set apart for God’s purposes”).
We must simply decide on who it is we really want to please.
Q. What’s wrong with having friends that are not strong Christians?
A. It depends on what
you mean by “friends.” The Bible warns us, “Do not be deceived: "Bad company
corrupts good morals." (1 Corinthians 15:33) and “He that walketh with wise
men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.” (Proverbs
13:20)
On the other hand, we need to reach out in a friendly fashion to lost people and
weak Christians to try to encourage them to make good decisions.
Probably the balance is for me to make sure my best friends (the people I trust
the most and share with the most and the people I spend the most time with) are
strong godly Christians. These kinds of friends will help me make good
decisions.
Q. If I already have strong friendships with people who are making bad decisions, do I have to break off all relationships with them?
A.
If
you decide to do the right thing, you may find they will break off relationships
with you! This is not a pleasant process! One of the most difficult things in
life is saying to a friend, “I’ve given my life to the Lord Jesus Christ, and
for His sake, I’m not going to do such-and-such.” But it pays such powerful
dividends! It spares you the consequences of wrong decisions and, at the same
time, makes you a stronger person! If we are not willing to make these kinds of
tough choices, we will eventually find ourselves paying a terrible price with
huge, lifetime regrets.
Another key is to make sure you are working to establish friendships with people
who are making better decisions. Get involved with Christian groups! Go where
the Christians are! You’ll quickly discover that the best and strongest
friendships are usually between two committed Christians who both love the Lord!
Q. Isn’t it ok to hang out with my old non-Christian friends if I make a commitment not to let them change my Christian beliefs?
A. Here’s a great quote by Steve Fitzhugh, former Denver Bronco football player:
“But be very selective about who you spend time with. Show me who you hang out with, and I can tell you what you’ll become. You might say, “Well, I’m not influenced easily by my friends.” You’re influenced more easily than you believe. The fact is that we’re surrounded by influences. If you have a friend who puts a cigarette in your face, or is putting a beer in your face, or wants you to do some drugs, they’re not your friend. Choose people who really want you to be the absolute best that you can be”
The Bottom Line
Who do you want people to think about when they see you?—How cool you are? How sexy you look? How intelligent you are? How much you remind them of a rock music star or a movie star? How tough you are? How independent you are?
Or do you want to remind them of Jesus?
There really is a choice to make. You really can’t have it both ways!
Choose Jesus!
Steve Hall
August, 2005
